Bipolar 2 From Inside and Out

Posts tagged ‘self-care’

Politics, Mood, and Self-Care

It’s difficult for me to maintain a positive mental attitude when I’m troubled by bipolar disorder, especially the depression part. It’s even more difficult in today’s political landscape.

I don’t care what your political persuasion is or who you voted for. I don’t care if you’re for or against DEI or ICE. What I care about these days is what’s happening to mental healthcare in our country. But let’s leave government policies and programs for another day. Right now, I want to discuss politics and mood disorders.

We seem to be overwhelmed by politics, but also by our reactions to politics. Friendships have broken. Families have been torn apart. Lots of people suffer from cognitive dissonance when their brains try to balance their love for friends and family and distress at their views.

None of us knows what to expect next. The difficulty isn’t limited to one side or the other. People who want smaller government are learning that the cuts will include public services such as extreme weather forecasting and disaster recovery. Others with differing views are afraid to travel abroad because they fear that, even with passports, they may be detained when they try to return.

The situation is especially hard on people with mood disorders. People who have phobias or anxiety disorders can find their feelings increasingly out of control. Those who suffer from depression have exaggerated fears. Most debilitating of all is the not-knowing. Am I overreacting? Are these fears reasonable or exaggerated? Will the things I fear never happen? Should I watch the news? Should I avoid watching the news?

I’m suffering from news-dependent symptoms myself. I hesitate to discuss politics with friends unless I already know their opinions are similar to mine. And with new acquaintances on Facebook, I share memes and chat about books.

But when it comes to not getting overwhelmed, I have a few suggestions. Most of them you may already know—they’re versions of basic self-care.

Remove yourself from the trigger. Get out of the room or the house when the talk turns to politics. Offer to go on a beer run. Leave the room and make yourself a cup of tea. Tell your friends or relatives you need to get some air. The outdoors is largely a politics-free zone, aside from bumper stickers and billboards. If you walk with a friend, stay on non-threatening topics like your pets. And prepare a neutral topic to suggest: Do you think the Dodgers have a chance this year? What do you think of Beyoncé’s country album? Should I go on a Disney cruise this year or a trek to the Grand Canyon?

Self-soothing. Music is another way to distract yourself from the present chaos when you take that walk or any other time. Personally, I prefer music with lyrics, as instrumental music gives me too much time and space to contemplate difficult topics. If you wear earbuds (even without music), people are less likely to engage you in conversation.

Use distractions. If you read, stay away from news magazines, the internet, and newspapers. Instead, you may want to revisit books from your childhood. There’s nothing wrong with reading children’s books. They may take you back to a more pleasant time, or you may discover aspects of a book that you never noticed when you were young. Or try a new genre, such as a romance or mystery that isn’t likely to contain much politics. Old classics like Dickens or Austen are good choices, too.

Limit your exposure. Allow yourself 20 minutes for listening to or reading the news. You can do this more than once a day, but leave a couple of hours in between. Clean the bathroom or watch a reality show. Organize your closet. Plant flowers or herbs.

Do things that lift you up. Pray. Sing. Bake bread. Work on a journal or a painting. Do life-affirming activities that will improve your outlook and your spirit.

Oh, yeah. And remember to take your meds, especially if you have an anti-anxiety pill. You’ll need them.

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Self-Care and Social Care

We hear a lot about self-care these days. Much of the mainstream media seems to think that it means “shopping therapy,” indulgent desserts, spa days, and mani-pedis. Expensive things. Ones that you need to be able to leave the house to do. (Except for online shopping, of course.)

Businesses are also quick to suggest self-care for their workers who are experiencing stress. What they mean by self-care is to take up yoga or meditation—on your own time and your dime.

Real self-care may include yoga and meditation and even the judicious use of ice cream, but it’s much more than that, of course. Self-care begins with the things that we all know are good for both body and mind—exercise, healthful food, good sleep, and stress reduction. Other good habits often mentioned are a digital detox, mindfulness, journaling, gratitude, affirmations, prayer, fresh air and sunshine, and hobbies.

Those are good things, of course, but they are primarily solo things, or at least were while the pandemic had us cooped up. Now we can get out and about more easily, go jogging or hiking with a friend, invite people over for dinner, and generally add human companionship to our list of self-care techniques.

But maybe what we need is social care (also known as community care). It’s hard to define social care. One source I looked for mentioned advocacy. But that’s pretty much something we have to do for ourselves. There are organizations like NAMI, and they do a great job at advocacy, but there’s only so much they can do. There aren’t brain illness support groups the way there are for alcoholism, narcotics addiction, and other kinds of afflictions that require outside support. There aren’t Meals on Wheels-type services for people who can’t leave their homes because of crippling anxiety. (Of course, grocery stores deliver now, but it gets expensive.)

There are very few group homes for people with SMI who need to transition between the hospital and living alone. There are group homes (sober houses) for those with alcohol or other addictions and even prisoners on parole. Many people with psychological or psychiatric needs rely on family members as long as they are able. I know a woman who lives with her father because of her assorted diagnoses. We’re all worried about what will happen to her when her father, who’s not in good health, dies. Her mother, when she was alive, tried to get her into a group home, with no success.

For those who are able to leave the house on occasion, social networks are recommended as a form of self-care. And even for people who can’t go out, there are social media, email, and video chats, which can fill some of the gaps.

But social services are thin on the ground, at least near me. I live in a suburb near two medium-sized cities. Most of the services available are for the mentally disabled, physically disabled, seniors, and some respite care for caregivers. People with SMI get a list of the crisis numbers. And, of course, psychiatric beds are limited and even psychiatrists have months-long waiting lists.

I know funds are limited and that the other groups need care, too. But social care is needed for those with SMI, too. We’re dependent on tax dollars, which are hard to come by.

It’s worth noting that the National Health Service in the UK has many more programs accessible to those with SMI at little or no cost. Of course, those are functions of socialized medicine, which is not likely to be enacted in the US anytime soon.

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Self-Care: We’ve Heard This Before

I’m not denying that it’s good advice. It surely is. But no matter your problem, the recommendations are almost always the same.

I recently saw an article in Psychology Today titled “7 Habits That Could Cut the Risk of Depression in Half.” It recommended “lifestyle medicine,” which the article said could be as effective as medication. Here are their recommendations.

  1. Prioritize sleep.
  2. Cultivate connections (as in go out among people).
  3. Drink less.
  4. Eat well.
  5. Move regularly (as in exercise).
  6. Don’t smoke.
  7. Get up (as in standing up when you’ve been sitting for too long).

The article said, “People who maintained most of these seven healthy habits—five or more—had a 57% lower risk of depression. We all know that a healthy lifestyle is important for our physical health. It’s just as important for our mental health.”

Well, okay. But those recommendations are the same ones said to relieve every condition from heart disease to grief. They’re hardly specific to mental health.

When it comes to recommendations specifically for mental health, “self-care” is what’s recommended. Here’s a typical list of what mental health self-care entails.

  1. Get regular exercise.
  2. Eat healthy, regular meals, and stay hydrated.
  3. Make sleep a priority.
  4. Try a relaxing activity.
  5. Set goals and priorities.
  6. Practice gratitude.
  7. Focus on positivity.
  8. Stay connected.

In other words, they’re about as connected to mental health as the other self-care lists. Again, they’re general suggestions for physical and (maybe) emotional health. They could just as well be recommendations on how to succeed in business. In fact, I looked up self-care for businesspeople, and the only things that really seemed different from the above list were to set boundaries and, ironically, if you’re struggling with stress, see a professional therapist.

Another article about general (not mental-health specific) listed three kinds of self-care: emotional, physical, and spiritual, as well as “enduring” and “temporary.” Here we find recommendations for emotional self-care:

  1. Self-talk.
  2. Weekly bubble baths.
  3. Saying “no” to unnecessary stress.
  4. Giving yourself permission to take a pause.
  5. A weekly coffee date with a friend.

The article adds, “The underlying rule is that it’s something that brings you sustained joy in the long run… And though there are plenty of examples of self-care that seem to tread a fine line between a health-enhancing behavior and self-indulgence, self-care doesn’t have to be about padding your calendar with luxurious experiences or activities that cost money (though it certainly can).”

That’s a good thing. Spa treatments, indulgent desserts, and shopping expeditions do seem to appear on lots of self-care lists. Other self-care recommendations in assorted articles include detoxing from social media, reading a self-help book, going to the symphony or ballet, laughing, getting a hobby, crying, cuddling a pet, flirting, watching sunsets, learning to play guitar, getting out of debt, relaxing, knitting a blanket, cooking out, zoning out with TV or movies, clearing clutter, long brunches, cold or hot showers, drinking tea, doing your own manicure, moisturizing, having a getaway, using essential oils, ordering desserts, doing nothing, and networking.

I’m not saying that those are bad things, necessarily. I just think that a mental health self-care checklist ought to include some things like this:

  1. Take any medications faithfully, as prescribed.
  2. Go to therapy appointments and do the work.
  3. Learn more about your particular condition or disorder.

Too obvious? Maybe. But I think they’re the most important things you can do to care for your mental health. There are lots of other things that may help, including looking after your physical health, keeping a mood journal, trying mindfulness or meditation, and finding ways to relax and renew your spirit. But, to me, these three are the essentials. I think they’re all better examples of mental health self-care than what you find in the popular media. IMHO, of course.

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Live for Today

I see a lot of memes exhorting us to “live for today.” Sometimes these are in the context of life being uncertain and needing to live each day as if we’re going to die tomorrow. And it’s true that the future isn’t guaranteed to any of us.

This has evolved into the “YOLO” (or “You Only Live Once”) philosophy. It’s not clear what YOLO really means. To some, it’s a challenge and defiance – the idea that you should try something even if it’s dangerous because you may never again get the opportunity to do it. If you look at it this way, it’s the opposite of the previous understanding of “live for today,” in that one can actually hasten the absence of tomorrows based on what potentially terminally stupid thing one decides to try or is goaded or shamed into trying. I followed this philosophy one time when I decided to go for a ride on a zipline. Stepping off the platform frightened me, but I did it. Now I’m too old and decrepit to do it again, so I’m glad I did it then.

On the other hand, “You only live once” could also mean that you should take care of yourself. You only live once, after all, so why not live as long as possible? Nutrition; sleep; exercise; avoiding drugs, smoking, alcohol, and unhealthy foods; and relaxation techniques are all considered factors that will lead to long life – as long as you don’t consider factors such as genetic disorders, cancer, and tragic accidents you can’t control.

If those behaviors sound an awful lot like self-care, well, they are. And for those of us with brain disorders, self-care is perhaps the most often recommended thing we can do to keep ourselves functioning as well as possible. Of course, if I were a cynic, I would say that self-care might be recommended so often because it’s an easy thing for businesses and insurance companies to recommend rather than actually helpful, but more extensive or expensive, interventions.

Living with a brain disorder is in many ways a day-by-day challenge. Every day, we must do the things that will lead to stability (we hope), including taking our meds if they’re prescribed, going to therapy, building a support system, and performing self-care. It’s true that we only live once, but that once proves to have its own unique challenges.

At times, it feels like we have been cheated by life by having our once around be so difficult. And I’m not going to say that isn’t true. I don’t think that having a brain illness makes us more sensitive or understanding or creative – except that we may be more sensitive to the needs of others who also have brain disorders. Mostly, it just makes life more – challenging is about the best spin I can put on it. And everyone in this life has their own challenges. There’s no use comparing whose life is worse.

Still, it’s a worthy goal to try to live the best life we possibly can within the limitations that our disorders impose on us. The fact that we only live once – and that our lifespan may be reduced by our illnesses – makes it all the more important that we make the most of what we are given.

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The Three Kinds of Care

December is National Family Caregivers Month, so it seemed like a good time to talk about caregiving. In my view, there are three kinds of caregiving: giving care, receiving care and self-care.

Caregiving

Caregiving is not an easy task, no matter whether you’re a family member or a professional. With an uncommunicative person such as one with depression, it practically takes telepathy. At times it seems impossible to know what kind of care is needed. A hug? Encouragement? Alone time? Help with chores? A listening ear? My husband, who is my principal caregiver, does all those things for me.

One thing about caregiving that I learned from my parents is that caregivers need recognition, too. My mother took care of my father all through the years of the illness that killed him. He wasn’t mentally ill, but his physical needs were many. Once my mother came to me and asked if she was doing a good job of caring for him. Of course, I reassured her. The thing is, objectively she knew that she was meeting his needs well. She just needed to hear it from someone else. You can talk about not looking for external validation, but sometimes it’s the kind you really need.

Receiving Care

All caregivers need recognition, and the best kind comes from the person for whom they care. That’s not always possible. Many therapists find it inappropriate to get gifts from their clients (mine accepted a small plant graciously). But a simple holiday card can be a nice remembrance. Other recipients of care have something to offer their caregivers as well – simple human connection.

Certainly, those of us receiving care can be irritable or even angry about needing care, but some recognition from us can go a long way toward keeping our caregivers, well, caring. Kindness is reciprocal. I know it’s hard to remember that or to act on it.

I owe my husband – my primary caregiver – more than I can say. Without him, I wouldn’t be able to do what I can do – take care of paying the bills and work enough to keep us mostly current, for example. And I thank him, appreciate him, and do what I can for him. I try not to be greedy with his time and efforts – I know he has other things he’d rather be doing or needs to do for his own care. I know I don’t do nearly as much for him as he deserves.

Self Care

For people who have a mental illness, self-care can be difficult. We know what we should be doing, but it’s often difficult. It feels like self-care is just another chore, on top of all the other things we’re not able to do. If I can’t keep on top of laundry and dishes, how am I supposed to keep on top of showering? If I can’t manage to get out of bed for more than a couple of hours a day, how am I supposed to find time and motivation to exercise?

I know that self-care is important, but I have trouble doing it sometimes. I know I’m capable of it. I’m on my own while my husband is at work, and I managed to keep up self-care while he was out of town earlier this year. But somehow, I never seem to get beyond the very basics of self-care – eating and sleeping regularly. Never mind the manicures, shopping sprees, and bubble baths that some recommend. Those might require getting dressed, going out among people, and spending money. (Bubble baths don’t, of course, unless you count going out to get the bubble bath, which I do count. I sure don’t have any on hand.)

If you’re able to make even modest efforts toward self-care, make sure you give yourself a metaphorical pat on the back. Believe me, you’ve earned it.

The bottom line is this: No matter whether you give or receive care or care for yourself, you need and deserve recognition and appreciation.

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Self-Care and the Power of Routine

When a lot of people hear the word “routine,” they think “rut.” My opinion, though, is that routine and rut are completely different. A rut is what you get into when you have nothing else in your life but work and chores, while routine is something that provides structure to your day. Of course, a routine can become a rut, if it’s not flexible enough to make room for variety somewhere.

What I think routines are particularly good for is self-care.

Let’s consider how you develop a routine. The business concept of “time-blocking” will help.

Time-blocking is a method of scheduling that relies on dividing your day into blocks of time (duh!) for each of your tasks or activities. A businessperson might have time blocks reserved for “planning meeting,” “business lunch,” and “create spreadsheet.” They estimate how long each will take and adjust the time blocks accordingly. If their time estimates are off, they revise for the next day or week.

One of the principles of time blocking is grouping similar tasks together. For example, one might have a single time block for making phone calls or answering emails. Another one is to leave some blocks empty so they can be used for tasks that you may not have completed or blocks that had to be shifted because of having to put out fires.

You can do time-blocking on a daily or weekly paper calendar, but business books recommend using scheduling software. I like the idea of using an erasable board that you can put up on your refrigerator or in another convenient place.

How does this relate to self-care? Well, it’s a good idea to make self-care part of your routine, and time-blocking is one way to develop that routine.

The first things to schedule are good habits that help you manage your disorder. For me, these are medication, food, and sleep. I take my meds as soon as I wake up and on my way to bed. I don’t consider that a time block, more like a habit, something to check off on a mental list.

I usually wake around 7:00, unless I have a work assignment that needs to be turned in early in the morning. I usually go to bed around 9:00. I need lots of sleep.

I have a time block for lunch at 12:00 and for dinner at 6:30. I make sure to have food on hand that is easy to prepare for lunch – cheese and crackers, soup, applesauce, and so on. My husband makes dinner because he wants to make sure that I eat at least one complete meal every day.

The other important time block for me to schedule is work. I’m a gig worker, so my assignments can vary. Generally, though, I work until about 11:00 in the morning and till 4:00 or 5:00 in the afternoon. I try to make working a habit, too. It keeps me from falling too far behind if I have a day when I’m simply not able to face getting out of bed and working.

You may have noticed that there are gaps in my schedule of time blocks. These are when I fit in self-care. In the morning, I have time for checking my email and Facebook. Why are these self-care? They’re the ways I keep in touch with friends and acquaintances – the outside world in general.

In the afternoon, between work and dinner, I watch some TV, usually cooking shows, which I find comforting. After dinner, I have time with my husband to see a movie or binge-watch a favorite series. When I take my meds and go to bed, I read for about half an hour. All these are part of my self-care. A person needs to set aside time for relaxation, which is a vital part of self-care.

Sometimes, I have to set aside a time block for something else. If I have to go out somewhere, I usually schedule an hour before I have to leave. It sometimes takes me that long to shower, dress, put my hair up, and make sure I have everything I need in my purse. I know that, so that’s why I leave an hour for it. Then there’s time for whatever errand it is, or maybe lunch out on my husband’s day off.

That’s my daily schedule of time blocks. I also have a weekly set of time blocks. I try to have a first draft of my blogs done on Thursday, finish them and tag them by Friday, proofread on Saturday, and post on Sunday. This is something that’s not quite work, because I don’t get paid for it. It’s something I do for myself and I get satisfaction from it, so I think of it as a self-care activity.

I also use my Google calendar to keep track of things that need to be done monthly – bills, recycling, doctor appointments for me and my husband, deadlines for my gig work, and so on. That’s self-care too, because I suffer an unhealthy amount of stress if our finances get out of control. Reducing stress is part of keeping me on a steady course. I could use the weekly or daily functions, but those are tasks I’m used to after getting into the habit for so long.

I prefer having these times and tasks in a reasonably consistent schedule, with some room for adjustments. Routine helps me get done what I need to do and enables me to schedule self-care too, rather than leaving it to last.

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On My Own

Earlier this month, my husband went away for 11 days to visit his 96-year-old mother, leaving me at home to fend for myself. I didn’t object to his going (though that hasn’t always been the case on other occasions). But it left us both concerned about how I was going to manage without him for nearly two weeks.

My husband helps me with most of my self-care needs. I guess I shouldn’t even call it self-care because he does so much of it. He makes sure I eat regularly, shops for food, and usually prepares dinner. He recognizes when I’m overwhelmed and gives me a hug. He helps me get ready if I have to go out. He does most of the physical chores. (I do the ones involving a computer, like correspondence, bill-paying, and scheduling appointments.) He calls me twice a day to make sure I haven’t fallen and been unable to get up. If I don’t answer the phone, he rushes home on his break to help me. I really don’t know what I would do without him.

For 11 days, though, I was going to have to. We hadn’t been apart this long for years.

Since one of my major self-care problems is forgetting to eat or not having the energy to make myself something to eat, he stocked up with all the things I like that were easy to fix and eat: juice, cola, ginger ale, yogurt, cans of soup, whole wheat bread, bologna and salami, assorted kinds of cheese, applesauce, and those little frozen meals for useless people like me. There were muffins and frozen waffles for breakfast, peanut butter and mac-n-cheese and spaghetti for lunch and dinner, and even jello and pudding for dessert. Everything that needed heating was microwaveable.

I often eat in my study, where there is a little tray table, so we devised a strategy for getting to and from the refrigerators. The time when I trip and fall most often is when I’m carrying several items and lose my balance. He came up with the idea that I should carry my food items in a plastic grocery bag to and from my room. We have hundreds of those bags. And it worked. I didn’t fall once. I don’t know why we didn’t think of that before.

He still called me every day, though of course there was nothing he could do for me if I fell. In fact, he called me much more often than twice a day, just to talk. We found the thing we miss most when we’re away from each other is simply shared conversation.

I developed a little routine to see me through the days. In the morning, I would have breakfast and watch a cooking show till I was awake and alert enough to start my day. Then I would do my work in the mid-morning until lunch. After lunch, more writing. After dinner, music or TV, or more work, if I had an especially pressing assignment. Go to bed early. Lather, rinse, repeat. Repetitive, certainly, but it seemed to work.

So, what did I learn from this exercise? Well, first of all, I found out that 11 days on my own is a doable thing – if we anticipate difficulties and prep for them. That I am able to continue my daily rhythms and keep up with my work, eating, and sleeping. That I experienced no recurrence of my bipolar symptoms even though my usual environment had changed. (I had been worried about depression or anxiety setting in.) That the loss of my husband’s presence wasn’t crippling. That we managed to retain our important connection despite the physical distance between us.

That photo with this post isn’t entirely accurate, though. I didn’t meet my own needs completely on my own. My continuing self-care still required my husband’s help. But once the systems were in place, I managed. On my own.

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The Song as Self-Care

Almost six years ago, I wrote a blog post about music and its power to heal, or at least alleviate, depression. If you’ve been following this blog, you know that I’m currently in the middle of what may turn into a major depressive episode. Again, I return to thoughts of music.

I once gave my therapist a CD of the music I liked best. I had been telling her how I had been stereotyped and even ostracized for the kind of music I like best and was embarrassed to share it with others. (Okay, it was country music, or at least the style now known as Americana – not pop country.) She played snippets from several songs while I watched her not cringe at them.

It’s the music that moves me. I’ve heard a theory that the music we love and respond to when we’re in our late teens and early 20s is what we imprint on. No matter how much or what styles of music we listen to later in life, those are the tunes and songs that will move us, no matter how old we get. These were mine. Later in life I started listening to acoustic blues, light jazz, filk, and 70s oldies, but country/Americana is still what lives in me.

Right now, one of the things I’ve been feeling is emotionally constipated. And maybe it’s time to try allowing music to alleviate that logjam.

Whenever I’m really depressed, I forget how much power music holds. When I’m on an even keel, I semi-regularly throw myself “music parties.” I hole up in my study with my computer and let iTunes blast. I even sing along, though I’m a terrible singer. Sometimes my husband joins me for a while and we have guessing games. (Who’s that singing backup? Emmylou Harris. Who wrote this? No, Shel Silverstein, not Kinky Friedman.) Sometimes I look up music that resonates with Dan and download it for him.

But mostly, it is a solitary pursuit. I wrap myself up in the music and let it soothe me. Or I rock out to the music and let it energize me. Or I let the music reach inside me and pull out feelings I didn’t even know were in there. Sometimes I use the shuffle function and let it surprise me. Other times I thread a path through the songs, letting my brain tell me what to play next. (It’s one of the things I can rely on my brain for.)

Call it a way to provide myself some self-care without spending any money. Although massages and pedicures and lunches out with friends are often touted as good self-care methods, I can’t do any of those things when I’m depressed. For me, they just add extra stress – showering, getting dressed, going out among people. I love massages, but I love them when I’m feeling good, only just a bit tense. I love lunches out, but they can’t raise me out of depression. I like them better when even chicken and dumplings feels celebratory.

But at my music parties, I don’t have to deal with any of that. I can stay in my pajamas and slippers. I don’t even have to comb my hair. I can exhibit all the common habits that go with depression and not have to use spoons trying to alleviate them.

So, tonight, I believe, it’s music party time. I’ll shut off my phone. I’ll close the blinds in case I want to chair-dance and don’t want nosy neighbors to have a view. I’ll invite my husband if he wants to be there, and not worry if he doesn’t. (What I call a “party” can easily be a party of one, and most often is.) I’ll unplug my headphones from the computer so the music can fill the room, as well as my head and my heart.

And maybe next week, I’ll have something to tell my therapist about – whether it helped or not.

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How Depression Sneaks Up

I had a blog post all written and ready to go. It was about my fluctuating moods and my writing, and how they affected each other. Some of what I wrote is still true. The depression I suffered during my early years and the exceedingly depressive poetry I wrote during that time allowed me to learn something about how poetry works and something more about how depression works.

I wrote about how hypomania affects my writing, and that is still true. Hypomania pushes me to do my writing, even when I don’t feel like it. In fact, at times it pushes me into doing more writing than I can probably handle. Case in point: This week I wrote three samples for a work-for-hire outfit when I should have been writing or at least outlining my WIP (Work In Progress), a sequel to the mystery I have already written and have been sending around to agents.

And last night, that’s where I hit the wall. I figured out that I have sent out about 180 or so query letters and gotten only the most minimal results – rejections that said I had an interesting premise that was not right for them. Most, though, have received plain rejections or the dreaded “no response means no.” I am now second-guessing myself and everything about the manuscript.

Last night, the depression caved in on me. I spent the night in bed, not sleeping except for nightmares, and not wanting to get up in the morning.

Because my identity is invested in being a writer, though, I did get up (late), sent a few more queries, and got to work on rewriting my blog posts, which I had determined were wretched. In the blog post that I abandoned, I had pontificated about how keeping a schedule kept me going with all the writing projects and various other work I do. 

I had also crowed about my relative stability and how that was helping me keep that schedule, which was supposed to be keeping depression at bay. I found out that I lied. The fact that I have maintained functionality for some time did absolutely nothing to prevent the depression that hit me.

Admittedly, this is probably a reactive depression, with my lack of success being the trigger. The thing is, it’s awfully difficult to tell apart from endogenous depression. In fact, I have known the first to melt into the second. At first you have a clear cause that would depress anyone, then you find it clinging to you long after what would seem to be reasonable. (This is subjective, of course. What is the “right” length of time to be depressed over 180 rejections?)

What’s left? Self-care, of course. Trying to sleep if I can, and squeezing in a nap if possible. Eat something, even if it’s only some guacamole and chips or a bowl of soup. Take my meds religiously. Try to cling to that schedule even when I don’t want to.

But the truth is, I’m running out of agents to submit to. I’m running out of energy to try. And I’m running out of the frame of mind to keep me functional. I’ll be okay, I know, but it may be a long, hard climb. 

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Mental Health

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Time Flies When You’re Bipolar

Finding stability is difficult when you have bipolar disorder. The days seem to melt into one another, either life in dense fog or life on a tightrope. You can’t remember whether you’ve eaten that day or showered that week or when you need to pay that phone bill.

And forget those lists of self-care things you should do. Contemplating even one (“go for a walk outside”) leaves me feeling defeated. It involves too many steps – getting out of bed, finding clothes, getting dressed, and then the actual walking. Most of the self-care lists contain things that are next to impossible for a truly depressed person to do (wash one dish), or too mundane to engage a manic person’s psyche (nap, complete one craft project).

For myself, I get lost in the week, since I usually measure time by weeks. What was I going to do on Thursday? Isn’t there a call I need to make this week? Do I need more groceries this week? I can also get lost in the month sometimes – Is it time to water my plant? Do a breast self-check? Pay a bill? Most of these I can handle with small nudges. Water the plant on the first day of the month. Pay a bill when I get an email or call about it.

When I worked in an office or a restaurant, there were ways to measure days. Casual Fridays were a dead give-away, for instance. But there were no weekly group meetings or, in the case of the restaurant, even specific chores or a consistent schedule for each week. I used to be able to pinpoint Thursdays because it was chicken-n-dumplings day at the Hasty Tasty.

But since COVID I no longer go out to work or to the Hasty Tasty or get dressed for work (I work in pajamas at my desk). I can sometimes tell time by my husband’s days off – Thursday and Sunday – but even that gets confusing, since I measure by when he goes into work (Wednesday, for example, and Saturday evenings) and he counts by when he gets off (Friday and Monday mornings). “Thursday into Friday” or “Sunday into Monday” is too much for my poor glitchy brain to handle.

I have better luck when I measure by my own work. I have off Thursdays and the weekend. Sometimes there is no work on a particular day, and sometimes I take on extra work on Thursdays or over the weekend, so it’s not completely reliable.

I do try to stick to a schedule when it comes to my writing, though. By Tuesday, I try to have an idea for my blogs. Wednesday I firm it up or do research, if needed. Thursday, I write a draft, since I don’t have my regular job to do. Fridays I tweak the draft. Saturdays I proofread and add tags. Sundays I publish. Mondays I check to see how well my blogs have done. Since my novel is finished, I have added doing three queries a day, first thing in the morning. And when I don’t have regular work, I try to either do research for my next novel, or write scenes that I know have to go in it somewhere, though not in order, since I don’t have an outline firmed up.

I suppose self-care encompasses going to bed. I usually get in bed by 9:00 or 10:00 and read to unwind (I know that this is not recommended, but it’s an essential part of my daily cool-down, whatever the day of the week it is). After I start to get sleepy, I take my nighttime pills and read a little more until they kick in. I usually just awake naturally, unless I have a work assignment that’s due early in the morning. Then I set an alarm.

These are the techniques I use to keep grounded in my days and weeks. When something unexpected happens, such as my husband’s days off being switched, I get back into the trap of not really knowing what day it is.

But as for self-care, I don’t schedule a massage or take up yoga or call a friend (I keep in touch on social media). It’s all I can do to get through a week at a time and be grateful for that.

 

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Mental Health

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