I know I’ve said my ex was a narcissist. His pleasures and interests were the only ones that counted. If I said that I liked something, like a certain style of music or kind of food, he said, “Eat shit. Fifty million flies can’t be wrong.” He talked about how important his honor was. He invented something that I would collect, just so he could pre-select gifts for every occasion. To quote the song “My Baby Thinks He’s a Train,” “He dragged me ’round just like an old caboose.”
But was he a true narcissist or simply a self-centered asshole?
Well, he was never diagnosed as a narcissist. The only time he saw a therapist was when we went for couples counseling. He aligned himself with the therapist. He made it seem like I was the crazy one, and he was only there to help me because he loved me so much. (That was gaslighting, not narcissism.)
And that’s an important point. Only a psychiatrist can diagnose a true narcissist: someone who has narcissistic personality disorder.
What’s Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual-V (DSM) has a list of criteria that add up to Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There may be changes in the DSM-VI, currently being written, but for now, in order to be diagnosed, a person has to exhibit:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy, as well as five or more of the following behaviors or traits:
grandiose sense of accomplishment
My ex: Check. Always had to be the smartest person in the room, though he never completed his doctorate. Thought his middle name, Albert, was a reference to Einstein.
preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
My ex: Probably not. Content with a public service government job; bounced from relationship to relationship.
believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by or should associate with other special or high-status people (or institutions)
My ex: Pretty much. Only associated with neighbors who could do something for him; felt others had lower status.
requires excessive admiration
My ex: Check. Wanted to be known as the smartest, funniest, most talented, skillful, and well-loved.
a sense of entitlement
My ex: Not sure. Regarding sex, intimacy, and attention, yes. In other ways, not so much.
interpersonally exploitative
My ex: Big check. Put people in “can’t-win” situations.
unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
My ex: Check. See above.
envious of others or believes that others are envious of him
My ex: Not really, or didn’t say so.
arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes
My ex: Check. Corrected others’ pronunciation; got to define “quality” for others.
Explanations
By those criteria, my ex might qualify as being among the 1% or 2% of people who have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder—if diagnosed as such by a psychiatrist, not through the lens of only one person—me—who is not truly qualified to assess him. I can’t truly say that he had the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, only that he exhibited some narcissistic traits when I was with him.
There’s a possibility that we were simply incompatible, or that I exhibited unhealthy traits too, or that he was fine in relationships with others, or that he was simply a selfish asshole and nothing worse. If you were to believe social media, 30% to 40% of bad relationships were caused by a narcissistic partner.
There are different degrees of bad behavior. A person can be a gaslighter without being a clinical narcissist. They can be abusive. They can be cold and unforgiving. They can behave so badly that you think of them as abusive or narcissistic. None of those are good things. But calling someone a narcissist is giving them what is essentially a meaningless label, or at least one that says, “I suffered when I was with them.”
So, I did suffer. My ex treated me and others badly. But as for his being a real-life Narcissist, the jury remains out.












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