Bipolar Me

Lethargy Strikes

There are a hundred things I should be doing right now, but I keep putting them off. I need to gather up some financial documents, sort the laundry, pay bills, reorganize the pantry shelves, get my flu shot, and call in some prescriptions. Of those, the only one I’m likely to do is call the pharmacy.

I should even have written this blog post, or at least started it, a couple of days ago. There are a number of steps I still have to take before I publish it on Sunday. (It’s late Friday afternoon right now, while I’m trying to write.)

For several weeks now, I’ve been consumed by this overwhelming lethargy. I’ve been spending most of the days in the comfy chair, barely watching some asinine TV shows and occasionally read a chapter in a book I’d been looking forward to. I pet the cat. I have a bagel for lunch. I field dozens of spam calls.

I was like this when I had a severe depressive episode, so maybe I’m having another one now. But I’m not having the fits of crying and the total immobilization, so maybe not. My memory is bad. I have to keep track of all the doctors’ appointments for both my husband and me. I postpone paying the bills and sometimes forget which ones I’ve paid already.

Maybe it’s the physical pain or the meds for it, or the fact that I have to stop taking them Monday so I can drive Dan to his surgery a week from Tuesday. All I know is that I feel beat down.

Maybe it’s the fact that I’m coming up on a major birthday pretty soon. I feel old and tired, and the lethargy doesn’t help. Maybe it’s the rapidly approaching holiday season, not that I pay it much attention anyway.

At least insomnia isn’t a problem anymore. I’m getting to bed between 9:00 and midnight and waking up somewhere between 5:30 and 7:30. Sometimes I even get in a brief nap.

Mostly, though, I think I’m lonely. I don’t have any paying projects right now to distract me. When he’s not at work, my husband is consumed by yard work and outdoor projects. He usually gets home from work late, so we have an hour or two before bedtime. We usually watch a little TV and then go to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Oh, I have Facebook friends and sometimes message with friends, but for the most part, I’m isolated most of the day. I do have my two blogs, but most of the time I feel like I’m tossing messages in bottles out into the ocean.

All the websites I checked said the same things and recommended the things I already know. Get good sleep. Reduce screen time. Exercise. Stay hydrated. Check B-12.

Last night I talked to my husband about my loneliness, and this morning he sat beside me, and we talked instead of him rushing out to do yard work. Then we were interrupted by an emergency family phone call. I had to rouse myself for that, to make numerous phone calls and initiate Messenger chats. Now we’re all waiting for something to happen. So I finished my blog posts and checked out the money situation. My nerves are keeping me active.

So maybe that’s the solution. Deal with emergencies. Collapse later.