Bipolar Me

Sometimes it’s harder to receive help than it is to give help or to ask for it.

I’ve needed lots of help with my bipolar disorder over the years, and my husband has consistently been there to give it. His help has been the embodiment of the wedding vow “In sickness and in health.”

He’s held me when I’ve been depressed and tells me when it seems like I’m shifting into hypomania. He’s my “emotional support animal.” And he helps me with tasks of daily life like meals and showers.

Recently, though—well, really, throughout the past year—I’ve needed physical help as much as or more than emotional support. I’ve been through a series of physical challenges that started when I had a knee replacement and have progressed to the point where I am in pain every day and very nearly housebound. The kinds of help I’ve needed have been complicated and sometimes embarrassing.

I’ve been feeling guilty, needy, and insecure because my care requirements have increased so much. I know Dan is feeling insecure too, because he keeps asking me whether he’s taking care of me well enough. We’re both finding the situation stressful. I reassure him that he is doing a great job, and I try to make sure it’s not a thankless task.

Tonight we watched a movie on video together and had a pizza. It was a good break for both of us. But afterward, my bandages needed changing so I could get ready for bed. And so it goes.

Dan is about to experience his own set of physical needs as he needs a medical procedure, too. I hope I can repay a little of his care and kindness by giving some back to him. And I hope he’ll ask for help when he needs it. Like he does, I’ll do the best I can to give help while balancing both our needs.

Is all that confusing? Well, it’s no wonder. It’s a confusing topic, and I’m confused by it. Here’s what I know about help in a nutshell, though.

• Asking for help. If you can do it, this is the first step. Ask for what you need. Ask as clearly and specifically as you can: “I’m feeling lonely/distressed/in pain. I need to talk to someone.” “My dressing needs to be changed.” “I need to eat something.” (Sometimes it’s easier if you phrase them as needs rather than wants. Asking for what you need makes it clearer that it’s not just a whim or something you could easily do without.) But if it’s all you can do at the moment, at least say, “I need help.” It improves the odds that you’ll actually get help. Then you can figure out the details later.
• Giving help. If at all possible, give the person what they ask for. They know their own needs better than anyone else. Don’t guess. Sometimes the helper will need to ask questions to clarify. “Do you need to take your meds right now or with a meal?” “Which size bandage does this wound need?” If you can’t give the help right away, explain why not. “I’ll go to the store and pick up your other prescription. Then I’ll pick up lunch on the way back. Is that okay?” “I’ll be there in 20 minutes. Can you wait that long?”
• Receiving help. This is the part no one tells you about, and it can be tricky. Say thank you, even if you didn’t get exactly what you asked for, and even if you’re in pain. Your helper is doing the best they can. Sometimes all they can do is part of what you need. Later, they may be able to do the rest of it.

All this is true, even if you have a paid caregiver. But if it’s a partner or family member, it’s even more essential.

Here are things to keep in mind:

You need help. Everyone does at one time or another. Everyone. No one is truly self-sufficient.

You deserve help. Help isn’t something you have to earn. Your needs are important.

You can get help. But in many cases, you have to ask for it. And you may have to keep asking. Don’t give up.