Bipolar Me

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, but it’s not the only one.

Gaslighting is a very particular kind of emotional abuse in which the perpetrator tries to make the victim think she (or he) is crazy. They do this by denying their perception of reality.

Gaslighters say things like, “I (You) never said that.”

“You’re making that up.”

“That never happened.”

“I don’t remember saying (doing) that.”

And of course, “You’re crazy.”

There are other kinds of emotional abusers, however. One of them is the puts the victim in a position of “learned helplessness.” This often starts with “love bombing,” or flattering and professing love until the victim is hooked. This often happens when the two people live together.

Suddenly, there’s a change. The victimizer turns hateful, putting the victim down. They say things like, “You’re stupid.”

“You’re ugly.”

“You can’t do anything right.”

“You’re lucky to have me. No one else would have you.”

The, just as suddenly, the victimizer changes. Again, they’re all love and kisses, flowers and gifts, positive messages. The victim thinks they’ve changed. They believe the promises to do better, to be more attentive and loving.

These are lies. The victimizer has no intention of changing .hey’re just stringing the victim along. This is called “intermittent reinforcement.” The victim goes on hoping that the good side of their partner is the real one and all the losing statements and gestures are true. So they keep hanging on.

The situation is even more complicated if there is physical abuse—battering—going on. The victimizer is likely to do the same things as the emotional abuser. They apologize extravagantly and promise never to do it again. They can also blame the victim, saying, “I wouldn’t hurt you if you didn’t make me so mad.”

There are other tactics the abuser uses to tie the victim to them. They cut off the victim from their family and friends. They keep tight control of the finances. Children and pets are also obstacles that keep the victim helpless (this is also called “learned helplessness”).

But that’s not gaslighting. That’s emotional and physical abuse. For it to be gaslighting, the quality of tricking the victim into believing they’re going crazy, that their reality is false. Of course, the gaslighter may also use some of the techniques of the emotional abuser in addition.

The word “gaslighting” is a trendy word these days. Most of the time, what someone means when they use the word is emotional or physical abuse, or living with a narcissist.

However, as different as these problems are, there is one solution to all of them: Get out. Staying with a gaslighter, emotional abuser, or physical abuser is a losing proposition. They won’t change, no matter how many times they say they will.

Getting out will be difficult. The abuser will usually have the situation rigged so that’s difficult for the victim to do. Lack of money, lack of friends, isolation, maybe no transportation, no place to go are all impediments to escape. And though police response may be improving, it’s often not, especially if there hasn’t been battering. And we know how well restraining orders don’t work.