Bipolar Me

I’m fat. I admit it. I haven’t been fat all my life, so this came as something of a surprise to me, but I’m dealing with it. I don’t know whether it’s my eating habits or my medication or some genetic thing that has caused me to gain weight, but there you have it. It could be any or all of those.

I’m not trying extreme diets or grueling workouts, though I admit that some exercise would be good for my mental condition as well as my body. I’m living with and acknowledging the fact that I am fat.

The thing is, when I think about myself, I don’t think of myself as fat. Perhaps I’m in denial about it. But I do know how much I weigh and that it’s over what I should, according to all the height vs. weight and BMI Index charts. And I don’t think of myself as thin. I just feel as though I’m still in my 30s and weigh what I weighed then, despite my body’s very clear rejection of those notions. I know I’m really in my 60s and have trouble getting up off the floor if I fall, in part because of what I weigh.

I’ve heard that everyone gets stuck in their head at a certain age and always remains that same age in their mind. It’s not quite like having an inner child of four or ten (or in my case, more like 15). I used to think I didn’t have an inner child until I remembered how much I still love chocolate milk, plush animals, and naps. And I do have that inner teen that wants to make up for all the things I missed when I was a depressed teen, like mad crushes and experimenting with fingernail polish and fake nails. But having an inner weight is different somehow. It’s like my brain and my body are clashing in some way.

At least I don’t have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. That’s when you see tiny, imperceptible flaws in yourself and magnify them until you think that’s all people see when they look at you. Technically, it’s not the same as anorexia because, in anorexia, you focus only on your weight even if you are thin. Anorexia is an eating disorder that you have as a reaction to your flawed perception of your body size. Dysmorphic Disorder is more about smaller perceived flaws such as balding or the size of your nose. (The Mayo Clinic does say that Body Dysmorphic Disorder can cause or be associated with eating disorders, low self-esteem, mood disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and substance abuse. The DSM-5 does not classify Body Dysmorphia as an eating disorder. It’s confusing.)

One of the dangers of Body Dysmorphic Disorder is overuse of plastic surgery, which can be somewhat of an addiction in itself. Just watch a few episodes of the TV series Botched and you’ll see what I mean. There are always horror stories like the one in which a young man wanted to look like Michael Jackson and as a result of repeated surgery suffered the same health problems and conditions that the singer did.

If I had Body Dysmorphic Disorder instead of the ones that I do have, I might be undergoing multiple treatments of liposuction, “cool sculpting,” tummy tucks, gastric bypass, extreme fad diets, weight-loss pills, and other procedures. I don’t and won’t. I’m aware that those are only temporary fixes and leave you open to disappointment, infection, scarring, and other bad effects and complications that can be worse than your original condition and stay with you for life.

So, where does that leave me? Besides fat, I mean. I try to be body-positive about people who don’t conform to societal messages about weight, including myself. It’s a difficult thing to get over. The messages are relentless. I have found myself in the past thinking that fat is unappealing and in the present thinking that extreme thinness is dangerous. But that’s only in the abstract. Any number of men I’ve been attracted to have been anywhere from pudgy to fat, including my husband.

I realize that I may get a lot of pushback from people telling me of all the medical reasons I should lose weight. I’m not saying they’re wrong. I’m just saying that if I’m comfortable with being fat, they could at least be okay with my fatness as well. In other words, I already struggle with my mind. I don’t want to struggle with my body too.