Bipolar 2 From Inside and Out

Posts tagged ‘trauma’

Hello, Post-Traumatic Growth

I’ve had my share of trauma in my life. There was trauma in my childhood starting with relentless bullying, including children throwing rocks at me. I still remember crying into my mitten, my tears mixing with the blood. There was trauma in my young adulthood from self-harm to the gaslighting and implosion of my first serious relationship. There’s been trauma of various kinds since I’ve become an adult, when many of my traumas became lumped into the effects of my newly diagnosed bipolar disorder. When my psychiatrist said that I needed ECT, that was traumatic, too.

But I’ve recovered from all those traumas. (At least I think I have.) In fact, I may have experienced what’s called post-traumatic growth (PTG).

Post-traumatic growth is when you come out the other side of a trauma and experience positive changes in five spheres of your life. These are often listed as: appreciation of your life, relationships, personal strength, new possibilities, and spiritual change. PTG is usually discussed in connection with PTSD, sexual violence, and near-death experiences. By those measures, I guess what I experienced was really resilience, the ability to bounce back from hardship. Only one therapist has ever suggested that I had PTSD from the emotional abuse I suffered and, at the time, I dismissed it as unlikely. Now I wonder.

I do appreciate my life more now. My relationships are stronger and more stable. My personal strength is vastly improved. I have responded when new possibilities entered my life. My spirituality has evolved. I feel like a new person, a stronger feminist, a better person, better able to make and develop new relationships.

This is not to denigrate the experiences of anyone who has experienced PTSD, a near-death experience, or sexual violence. I understand that my experiences are nowhere near those traumas. But I’m not here to compare traumas. I’m here to talk about the aftermath.

Some people may experience PTG in the immediate aftermath of a life-altering experience, but I think that’s rare. It can take years or never happen at all. Therapy is likely to be a part of achieving PTG.

There are circumstances where PTG is assumed to be instantaneous, or nearly so. Cancer is a life-changing diagnosis that can take you through the five stages of grief. But, in the case of breast cancer, some people are expected to demonstrate PTG almost immediately. Barbara Ehrenreich has written about her own breast cancer diagnosis. She pointed out the number of people who, quite soon after their diagnosis say that it was the best thing that ever happened to them or that “cancer is a gift.” Ehrenreich noted all the pink ribbons and cheerful positivity that ensued. It was as if people with that diagnosis were not allowed to feel frightened, angry, or bitter.

But for most people, it takes time. The five stages of grief don’t occur according to anyone’s timeline. It’s personal. No one can tell a sufferer what they should feel or when they should feel it. In fact, those diagnosed aren’t even supposed to think of themselves as suffering from cancer. They call themselves survivors rather than victims. Acceptable reactions are strictly limited. How different is that from when people with psychiatric diagnoses are told to simply get over it?

Both resilience and post-traumatic growth are good things. I wonder if they’re related—if people who have resilience are more likely to experience PTG, or if people who demonstrate PTG then become more resilient. And I don’t know if we’ll ever find an answer to that.

But whether either explanation proves to be true, I’m just thankful they both exist. And I feel deeply for those who fight trauma without either one. They need help in any way they can get it, but likely through professional help. I know that whether I am resilient or have PTG, professionals have helped me. And so have non-experts who have supported me on my journey. I thank them all and wish the same for others.

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Mental Health

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Growing May Take a While

I saw a meme the other day that said, “Grow through what you go through.” I thought to myself, “This is going to take a while.”

Now, I’m not saying that the meme promotes a bad idea. I just mean that it’s not as easy as the meme makes it sound. Memes are like that. They encapsulate a difficult and painful process into a succinct platitude that never captures the reality of what it purports to express.

It is certainly possible to grow because of bad experiences that you have gone through, and I have surely done this. But it hasn’t been quick or easy. Not that it is for anyone, but especially not for people with serious mental illnesses.

Bipolar disorder, and bipolar depression in particular, often leads one to recall and obsess about the very things one would most like to forget. (Of course, this happens with unipolar depression, too.) It’s like having a recorder in your head that replays the most painful, embarrassing, humiliating, or devastating events in your life. And there is no “off” button or even a “pause.”

Getting through something is not the same as getting over something. And growing through something is something else again. It takes as long as it takes. There is no way to rush it or to speed it up.

Take grief, to choose an example that most people with and without mental disorders are familiar with. I saw a TV show once in which various characters were concerned that the hero had not “gotten over” the death of a friend as quickly as they thought he should. I remember thinking, “That’s stupid. There’s no arbitrary limit on how long a person should grieve.” I know that in days past, a mourning period of a year was customary, with restrictions on dress and activities. That’s stupid too. It may take a few months or a year or the rest of your life, depending on how close you were to the deceased and the circumstances of her or his death.

Deaths don’t have to be physical, either. The death of a relationship can be just as soul-searing, as traumatic, as a literal death. It’s still a loss and one that you may have put your whole heart and soul into.

Of course, it’s great if you can grow through the experience. It’s possible to acquire a new depth of spirit when you go through something traumatic. You can emerge stronger and more resilient and more compassionate because of the experience. I think that’s what the meme was talking about.

But if the trauma – the death or separation or other experience – is fraught with pain as well as grief, then growing through it can be even harder and take even longer. A son whose abusive mother dies has feelings that can hardly be expressed, a jumble of emotions that’s almost impossible to articulate, much less grow through. The end of a relationship with a gaslighter may evoke relief as well as grief, conflicting emotions that can impede growth. These and other situations can call up memories and feelings that one wants to escape, not dwell on. But processing them seems perhaps the only way of growing through them.

That process cannot be rushed. It may take years of bad dreams and flashbacks – at least it did for me – as well, perhaps, as a period of therapy that, like grief, takes as long as it takes to make progress in growing through whatever happened. From outside the situation, it may seem like the person is wallowing in the pain or grief. But on the inside, the process of growing may be occurring at a rate that you can’t see or understand.

In other words, if a person has been through a trauma, don’t expect him or her to “get over it” on what you think is a proper timescale. Some plants, like dandelions, grow incredibly rapidly. Others, like oaks, grow incredibly slowly. For each, it takes as long as it takes.

 

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