Bipolar 2 From Inside and Out

Posts tagged ‘spending’

Love, Hate, and Mania

Mania, or in my case hypomania, is easy to love. It creates a buzz that carries you along, although you’re not always sure where to. Ordinary things become extraordinary, and extraordinary things become magical. I love mania. It can be fizzy, like champagne.

I hate mania, too. When it leaves, it leaves a hole behind. It leaves depression that’s like a nasty hangover. And many times, it can leave consequences. Sometimes dangerous. Sometimes shameful. Always unexpected.

I’m in the grip of hypomania right now. I recently got through a series of medical difficulties. Now, I’m back home, and not dependent on nurses and aides to bring me meals and wipe my ass. It’s glorious. And I’m celebrating by enjoying a burst of benevolence. It’s holiday time, and I’m back to my computer with a debit card and a desire to shop. That gives me an excuse, if not a reason.

I’m buying gifts for Dan and a few friends. I’ve bought so many for Dan that, now that the packages have started arriving, even I am a bit embarrassed. Fortunately, he has a birthday in April, and I can save some of the gifts for that.

In the past, Dan had the advantage. He could follow me around and watch what I oohed and aahed over, then sneak back and get it for me. But I am buying exclusively online now because I rarely go out. Dan doesn’t know how to buy online. I’ve offered to show him, but all the financial stuff goes to me, so I’d know where he bought stuff and how much he spent on it. This leaves only the store where he works to buy gifts. And he says he doesn’t know what to get me anymore, as I spend most of the day in pajamas and don’t wear earrings at home, so clothes and jewelry are pretty much out.

Anyway, I’m definitely manicky. I can tell. And I’m definitely spending more than I should. Fortunately, I just got paid for a freelance job I did, more than I usually get, so I haven’t gotten us into financial trouble, though it was a close thing. The check came just in time.

So. I’ve loved buying presents. I hate that I almost overdrew the bank account. I’m happy that I was saved by a check. I hate that the shower of presents may embarrass Dan, who won’t be able to reciprocate in a like manner.

Manic and hypomanic episodes are like that. A buzz and then self-doubt. A thrill and then regret.

I used to wish that I had mania too, instead of just depression. My theory was that if I were manic, I would get more accomplished. But I once knew a woman who had bipolar 1, rather than 2, so her manic episodes were more extreme. And her plans crashed and burned around her. She would start a project, tear it up, and redo it, even more than once. Her sense of humor was extreme and not really funny. (Once she mimed swallowing a whole bottle of pills.)

After that, I no longer wanted to be manic. But, as it happens, when my depression stabilized, my hypomania had more room to express itself. I haven’t indulged in the more dangerous behaviors, like drinking and driving. But this month, I can’t deny that I have hypomania.

I’m getting better at telling when it’s going to happen. Once I’m in the episode, I know. I feel the buzz. I notice the bank account dwindling.

Dan notices when I’m getting manicky, too. I can usually tell him that I feel it coming on and check it out with him. But this time, secrecy was part and parcel (literally) of it. Once it was getting beyond my control, I told him. Not about almost overdrawing our account, though. Once there was money back in the bank account, it didn’t seem necessary.

I’m not quite over this episode. I’m cooled down enough to rein in the buying. Just a couple more small presents for friends. I swear. It’s progress, anyway.

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Mental Health

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Coming Down From a Manic Jag

I have been manicky lately, and it has expressed itself, as it does for so many people, with spending money we don’t have. Or at least spending money we’re supposed to be getting but don’t have yet on things which we can’t afford until we get it.

The thing is, we have a nice lump sum of money coming, but we don’t know when it will arrive. And instead of sensibly waiting for it to arrive, I have already begun spending it. A new-old truck for Dan; passport applications for us both; tattoos for us both; concert tickets; clothes and maps and guidebooks and airline tickets for a trip we plan to take next year; a short getaway vacation last week; gardening and home improvement supplies. Just to name a few.

All this leaves us very little for necessities like mortgage, electricity, internet (essential for my work), and even food. We can probably live on our credit card for a while, but I know that’s only a temporary solution, and a bad solution at that, even though the credit company increased my credit limit so we could pay for the airline tickets.

Of course, I am mostly responsible for all this spending. Some of the expenditures wouldn’t wait – the airline tickets, which we had to buy immediately to lock in the current price, and the passports, which I understand can take months to arrive and we shouldn’t wait till the last minute to apply for.

But for other purchases, Dan has been enabling me – “You know you want to go hear Emmylou Harris,” for example. “She’s one of your heroes.” “Might as well get the ticket for Rodney Crowell, too. How likely is it that he’ll be playing in this area again, at least anytime soon?”

Now the proverbial chickens are coming home to roost. Last week I had to deal with a guy at the door who was there to shut off our electricity unless I gave him a check for the past-due balance on the spot. The credit card company may come to regret the limit increase. I’m sure they gave it to me because I regularly paid them more than the amount due, and I can’t do that anymore.

I realize this is relatively minor compared to some spending jags that people in the manic phase of bipolar have gone on – gambling debts, for example, and even ones that end in homelessness. But the spending adds up, and we are strained past our limit until that windfall finally arrives.

Naturally, because that’s the way things go, now that I have come to and realized the reckless spending, it has triggered my anxiety. Financial troubles have always been one of my triggers, but it’s appalling to realize that I have dug this hole myself.

And naturally, because that’s the way things go, that anxiety triggers my depression – maybe not a full-blown depressive episode, but enough to affect my life and actions. I isolate. I grow surly with my husband. I have trouble sleeping or sleep too much.

In truth, I am angry with myself and with this damned disorder. When I get manicky, I generally am able to limit my spending to amounts of $25 or less, if sometimes for several such items (or meals). But this time I have overwhelmed myself, and my husband as well. I know we’re not supposed to use bipolar disorder as an excuse for bad behavior, but I can’t help thinking that hypomania is involved at some level. The idea of live music and foreign travel were just so irresistible. I couldn’t make myself wait until a better time.

We’ll get through this, I know. Someday the expected check will come and I can start straightening out some of the mess I’ve created. But until then, anxiety and depression will be my companions. I hope the mania stays fully tamped down until then. At least, I’ll take my meds and hope so. And not skip my therapist appointment in a week and a half. We haven’t had much to discuss lately, but now I’m sure we do.

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Mental Health

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