Bipolar Me

Ambient Abuse: A Sigh and a Glare

I was a feminist, at least as I understood it at the time. I scoffed at the boys in high school who referred to the ERA as the Equal Restrooms Amendment. I went to a college that I chose for myself. I signed the loan for my first car. I read Men, Women, and Rape, The Burning Bed, Women and Madness, The Feminine Mystique, Sisterhood Is Powerful, and Ms. magazine.

I knew about domestic violence and swore that if an intimate partner ever battered me, I would not tolerate it for a minute. Either he or I would be gone. No second chances. One blow, and that was it.

So how did I end my college years involved with a man who never hit me but made my life miserable—more miserable than it was already with my undiagnosed and untreated bipolar disorder?

Chalk it up to the fact that my feminist education was incomplete. I had never heard of verbal abuse, emotional abuse, or gaslighting. I didn’t know how to respond to them when they happened to me. I didn’t even know at the time that they were happening to me. It took more years, more reading, and more talking about it, not to mention therapy, before I understood.

What Is Ambient Abuse?

Until this week, I had never heard of “ambient abuse.” Often described as an aspect of gaslighting, ambient abuse creates a toxic environment in subtle ways. Even the person living in such an environment cannot see what is happening, and their friends and family can’t either. It’s blamed on the victim for “being too sensitive,” “imagining things,” or “overreacting.”

The term “ambient abuse” was introduced by Dr. Sam Vaknin, a narcissistic personality disorder expert. He explained it as a situation in which an abuser creates a hostile environment that fills their partner with fear, anxiety, and hypervigilance—without committing any obvious physical acts of violence. Dr. Christine Louis de Canonville, another expert on narcissistic abuse, describes ambient abuse as “psychological terrorism.” It creates a state of threat for the victim without ever directly threatening them.

Among the tactics used to foster this invisible ambient abuse are a sigh, a facial expression of contempt, the silent treatment, or eye rolls. The toxic atmosphere is created without saying a word or raising a hand.

In other words, it was something I was not prepared for.

My Experience With Ambient Abuse

In my case, it was a combination of the sigh and the glare. Delivered together, they told me without words that I had done something wrong, misjudged something, said something stupid, behaved inappropriately, or otherwise transgressed. I cooked dinner, but I didn’t stay to eat it because I left for a scheduled guitar lesson. I ate a sandwich without offering him a bite. I wanted to close the bathroom door while I was using the toilet. I wanted to listen to my favorite music, not his, while ironing. Little things? Certainly. But added up day after day and reinforced with the sigh and the glare, they added up to a technique designed to keep me in line.

People who haven’t lived with ambient abuse can’t understand the cumulative effects. But to the person who does live with it, ambient abuse can trigger stress. When it continues, the person affected lives in a state of hypervigilance, unable to ever relax. And along with that come the natural bodily and psychological consequences of stress: headaches, stomach aches, changes in eating habits, tight muscles, inadequate sleep, poor concentration, and even long-term health problems. I had several of those symptoms, plus the twitching muscles and stabbing pain that exacerbated my TMJ problem.

Breaking Free

There were plenty of other, more obvious reasons to leave, but getting away from ambient abuse was certainly a factor. I applied for a job in my home state and packed up and left on a day when he was at work. I was across the state line before he got home.

The man who became my husband knows enough that he realizes that the sigh-and-glare trigger me. So we found a way to make fun of it. If I make an error, I say, “Are you going to sigh and glare at me?” He then huffs and blows and puts on his “mean face,” with furrowed brows and squinting eyes.

Then we both snort and laugh.